DWTS Allstars 2012 premiered this week, bringing back to the dance floor past competitors. Here’s how I saw it for Dancing with the Stars Allstars 2012 premiere week -

Joey Fatone – I thought he was great for first season kick-off. Love his chemistry with Kym Johnson. Very sharp footwork and a difficult routine despite how much bigger he is than season 4. But he was heavier then too and lost some weight. I thought his scores were a bit low.

Shawn Johnson – Is it possible that she’s even more annoying now than she was before? And wasn’t that a bit fast for a foxtrot? At least Derek did better at designing costumes which actually flatter her squat gymnast’s frame. But she still stands like a trucker. I agreed more with Len’s score than the others. Overrated again. But that’s what Derek does.

Sabrina Bryant – She was never my favorite but I do love me some LVA (Louis Van Amstel, that is). Like Kym, he packed that routine with difficulty. Was saddened to see her make the show though instead of Kyle Massey. Does anyone else think it’s weird she’s shaped just like Shawn Johnson? Or that Carrie Ann Inaba referred to her as a woman scorned while Sabrina’s ex (Mark Ballas) was watching? Hmm.. Begrudgingly, I have to admit she was pretty good for a first week. Scores worth it. On a side note, liked the costume.

Helio Castroneves – He and Chelsie are nicely paired. She’s lucky he was trained by Julianne. I enjoyed this foxtrot much more, and alwas enjoy his personality on the dance floor. Again though the judges were being a bit picky compared to Johnson.

Pamela Anderson – What a hot mess. A fitting tribute to Amy Winehouse, but Tristan wasn’t kidding when he said he had his work cut out for him. Surprised there hasn’t been a backlash of people complaining about the faux slap in the routine. Proof positive that thin does not always equal fit. All her wobbling about reminds me of Tina Sparkle in that Baz Luhrmann film. About the only other thing I can say is that her chest looked smaller, at least until they mashed her into that costume. And Tristan’s outfit made him look tubby. Proof that faux tan isn’t always slimming I guess!

Melissa Rycroft, aka Toothy McTootherton – I couldn’t even watch.

Anton Opolo Ohno – Ok. Outfits, crazy. Dancing? Wish I could say it was crazy good. Carrie Ann is clearly suffering from the loss of her engagement, as there was nothing sexy about that dance. He looked slow and not very sharp or precise next to Karina. I expected him to be a bit more ready this time. Oh and someone puh-lease turn off Karina’s jewelry. I’m pretty sure I was having mini-seizures watching it.

Gilles Marini – Call me a classic, but that was fantastic. Loved the music, the choreography and his lines as alwas were impeccable. I also love any dancer who is relaxed enough to sing along and he was. I think he and Peta are a pair to watch for sure. The only question is whether he has enough of a fan base now – last time he had his cameo in the sex and the city movie coming out to bolster votes. At this point, once of my favorites (if not the favorite) of the evening. The judges obviously agreed with a 24 out of 30.

Bristol Palin – Footwork sloppy. And I don’t care what they said about the shaking, watching her dance is still like watching dishwater sit in a pan. The gratuitous shots to her mom in the audience though will net her enough votes to stick around.

Drew Lachey – I’ll admit at this point I was wondering just how many “all-stars” there are competing. But then he had the best rise and fall of the evening and contrary to Len I thought his frame was quite nice. I really enjoyed it. I forget how much personality he has on the floor as well. Much more than his brother, whose always seems a bit forced. Good job by the Cincinnati boy.

Kelly Monaco – I still don’t get all the buzz about this woman. She was a bit all over the place, and not so stable on her feet, and the skimpy costume couldn’t really hide it.

Kirstie Alley – Seriously, we’re not done yet? How many weeks is this “season” going to last? She’s sort of like a grown up Pamela Anderson. Other than that, frankly, I was bored and expecting more from someone who has had a personal dance instructor traveling with her the last year. Thank you Len for keeping it real.

Emmitt Smith – WHAT is Cheryl wearing? But loved it. He is so precise and sharp. You know Cheryl has confidence in his footwork b/c he was the only man wearing colored shoes. Plus he’s filled to the brim with personality. If I had to bet on anyone being a repeat winner, it would be him.

-Diva1

Dang it, I just finished watching the two hour premiere of Dancing with the Stars and no one sucks! THAT sucks!

I have nobody to make fun of, nobody to mock. What kind of DWTS is that?! I need a Hope. It’s Hope less.

Instead, Season 14 of DWTS might have just broken a record for being the first season that every contestant has a fair shot at the mirrorball. Trust me, they weren’t all Fred Astaire, but Erkel came close. The football dude was pretty smooth too.

Sherri Sheppard was a surprising crowd-pleaser and I am happy and hopeful for Val that he will be around alot longer than two weeks. Val seemed to be having so much fun, I could have sworn I saw him doing the white boy boogie.

The dice don’t seem to be stacked as well in brother Maks’s favor, or should I say, shirtless Maks. Lil House is in my top two bets for people going home next week. Martina is on that list too, although have to give her props for doing much better than I expected.

Is it just me, or anyone else think that opera singer has some dance background? Her pointed toes and extensions seem to indicate this girl has had some formal training…just sayin.

My predictions for romance hook-ups – in no particular order – are opera singer girl and Mark, Maria and Derek, and Bruno and Brad Pitt Lookalike (at least in Bruno’s dreams).

We can all breathe a sigh of relief that Courtney Robertson didn’t make an appearance as rumored, although I am not entirely counting her out of this season of Dancing with the Stars. Last week there was speculation that ABC was trying to figure out how to make her part of the show being that the announcement of the cast was a bit lack-luster.

I do think it would have been fun to have her compete just to hear her blurt, “winning” after the judges gave her scores. Or to hear her say how the other girls just aren’t sexual and how they’re making it so easy for her. Maybe Courtney and Ben can do an interpretive tango of their skinny-dipping date if the ratings slide.

Just as you were beginning to miss the ballroom – it’s back baby! Dancing with the Pseudo Stars will be back for its 14th season on March 19 and yesterdays announcement of the DWTS season 14 cast has everyone ready to rumba!

As for the DWTS professionals, women everywhere will be happy to know that the brothers Chmerkovskiy are returning for Season 14. Maks is a veteran, but this will be little brother Val’s second season as a dance pro.

Other pro’s returning to the ballroom are Tony Dovolani, Derek Hough, Anna Trebunskaya, Peta Murgatroyd, Cheryl Burke, Chelsie Hightower, Kym Johnson, Mark Ballas, Karina Smirnoff and Aussie hottie, Tristan MacManus.

Personally, I was hoping for Dmitry to return. oh well.

As for the non-dancing celebs joining this season of Dancing for the mirror ball they are – in no particular order -

Musician, Gavin DeGraw will be dancing with Karina Smirnoff. Gavin’s first album, Chariot, launched his career selling over one million copies. Although as someone who used to go see Gavin perform live pre-fame, I prefer Chariot Stripped (Bonus CD) which is his acoustic recording and the authentic Gavin. Chariot yielded hits including, “Follow Through” and “I Don’t Wanna Be.” “I Don’t Wanna Be” was chosen to be the theme song for TV’s “One Tree Hill” also.  Can he give Karina another victory? He’s gonna have to follow through.

Tennis great, Martina Navratilova will be dancing with Tony Dovolani. We’ll see if this tennis grand slammer and Wimbledoner can do some fancy footwork on the dance floor as she did on the tennis court.

Singer, Gladys Knight (sans Pips) will be dancing with Tristan MacManus. Can this motown madame dazzle on the dance floor?

Opera singer, Katherine Jenkins will be dancing with Mark Ballas. I confess I’d never heard of her, but apparently she has sung for the British Royal Family and has sold over 4 million records, so I’m guessing other people know who she is. Not sure how big the opera crowd is into texting their votes to a TV show, so her fan base might hit a low note.

Child actor, Jaleel “Urkel” White will be dancing with Kym Johnson. Urkel (sorry I cannot call him Jaleel) has apparently done some more recent work, none of which I’ve seen, and he confesses to sort of doing DWTS for his mum.

Extra! Extra! host Maria Menounos will be dancing with Derek Hough. We’ll see if Maria will learn to dance well enough to write a sequel to her book, “The EveryGirl’s Guide to Life” with “The Everygirl’s Guide to Dancing.”

Actor/Singer Roshon Fegan will be dancing with Chelsie Hightower. Again, don’t know him. Roshon was in Camp Rock and some Disney thing called “Shake it Up.”

View co-host Sherri Shepherd will be dancing with Val Chmerkovskiy.

Telenovela hottie, William Levy will be dancing with Cheryl Burke. Let’s see if this Brad Pitt look-a-like can take Cheryl as far in the competition as last season’s partner, Rob Kardashian. William was in JLO’s video, “I’m Into You.”

Green Bay Packer Donald Driver will be dancing with Peta Murgatroyd. In addition to being a superbowl champ, Donald wrote a kids book about a character named Quickie. Let’s see if he can quickie it on the dance floor.

Little House on the Prairie child star, Melissa Gilbert has the honors of dancing with the bad boy, Maksim Chmerkovskiy. We’ll see if Laura Ingall can make the ballroom tingle with Maks.

Soap legend of General Hospital and Melrose Place, Jack Wagner will be dancing with Anna Trebunskaya. No idea if Jack has any rhythm. I’m gonna guess he might.

Season 14 of DWTS will air on March 19 with a 2-hour live premiere event.

For Ben Flajnik’s overnight boinking dates, The Bachelor heads to Interlaken, Switzerland.

Nikki and Ben’s Overnight

Nikki’s date is first up.

A helicopter makes its first appearance in under 5 minutes of the show’s open.

“I felt that we were the only 2 people in Switzerland,” Nikki says as they fly over the Alps.

Ben says, “My relationship with Nikki is getting to new heights. When we’re together you can feel the love,” Ben says. (um, no you can’t Ben!)

Ben and Nikki land atop a mountain to picnic and frolic. Nikki is smitten. Ben is bored and boring, yet again.

Ben says, “Spending the day with Nikki I feel like I always have a smile on my face. I’m hoping she’ll say yes to an overnite. It feels like we’re continuing our love story.”

The helipcopter drops them on top another cliff and they make out and say more metaphors about climbing to new heights of their reliationship – (pass the barf bag)

At night they go to a log cabin. it’s very romantic. Ben says, “Everytime i see Nikki I have a better time than the last. Those are really good signs.”

We learn that Ben would like to have 4 kids … the more the merrier. When the date card gets pulled out Nikki says, “I will accept it.” (duh)

The fantasy suite includes a hot tub – shocker – there it is – the holy grail – the fourescent blue hot tub. Nikki and Ben suds each other up and suddenly Nikki’s legs are straddling Ben and (fade to black).

Lindzi and Ben’s Overnight

Lindzi is second date. Again, they save Courtney for last.

It’s another adrenaline date. Ben’s like, “Holy crap. we are repelling.” Lindzi is freaking out but it is just another opportunity for gag-inducing love metaphors.

“Looking down is terrifying, but it may bring us closer together.”

They survive the repelling drama and then it’s off to hot tub scene #2.

“I’m noticing more of a passionate side to Lindzi,’ Ben says as they rub each other up and down.

Lindzi lets it known that, “I absolutely know for a fact that I realy like you and that I’m falling in love with you.”

Enter date card, ” fantasy suite -
Lindzi says, ” Normally I don’t just stay the nite with anyone, but I … would love to. I would love to spend more time with you, Ben.”

“I’m honored that she wants to spend the rest of the nite together,” – Ben says with much joy (yes, I get to bag another babe!)

“I could spend the rest of my life with Ben and be really happy,” Lindzi admits.

Courtney and Ben’s Overnight

Courtney and Ben’s overnight date is riddled with twists and turns and talks about her being a bitch to the other girls and Ben confronting her and Courtney putting a bow on it and Ben feeling better and then Kacie showing up and then Ben feeling worse and then Ben being confused…. but not really.

Ben and Courtney take a train through the beautiful countryside. It’s all very cosy.

“It’s really magical. It’s one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been. I feel like we’re in a painting,” Courtney says and she is right… it looks pretty stunning!

They stop in a cute town and shop for picnic gooies – swiss cheeese., bread. Courtney feels like the luckiest girl.

But then – doo doo – Ben is concerned about her actions with the other ladies. Courtney is scared this will cause her to lose her man, (oh, but there are other men in the sea.)

“He is everything. He’s eveything I’ve ever dreamed of and wanted. There’s just a dark cloud over me. The fear of losing him. I don’t know if we can recover from this.” she says. “I realized today how much I love Ben and how much I’m afraid of losing him. I’m disappointed in how I was. I need to tell him how I feel.”

Courtney says she has trust issues with men and women. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m being fake.”

Ben’s like, “That’s not my concern. I feel like I know you. It’s hard for me to hear those other things.”

Courtney says, “I think that I’ve been totally immatrure at times. and I’m sorry that I maybe said some things I shouldn’t have, when Emily left I was excited. it was mean, but I was excited. – moving forward I think you have a good sense of who I am. – I want normal in my life. and you are that. I see this great man. that’s all I want.”

Ben buys it. They toast (clink). Ben is at peace, “I was having huge doubts and concerns in this relationship.” but now he can boink her guilt-free.

Enter – the date card.

“After having such a difficult conversation I know I’m ready to take our relationship to the next step. To have uninterrupted … everything!” – Ben says.

“This is a perfect, romantic setting and it’s only gonna get better.” – Courtney suggests.

The bear skin rug does not go unnoticed by either of them. lol They put on bathing suits and they climb in a 2-seater hot tub and go at it.

Ben’s like, “This is hands down the smallest hot tub I’ve ever been in my life, and I’m not complaining!”

Emily Maynard Preview

Next up we get a sneak peak of Emily Maynard prepping for being the Bachelorette. It is full on ridiculousness.  Ali and Ashley arrive at Emily’s door for some pre-Bachelorette cheerleading. They all get their makeup done up and slip into some super tight dresses and off they go to watch The Titanic 3D. That’s rich – put on tons of makeup and mascara then go watch the saddest movie ever so you can cry it all off down your face!  Not sure how this is supposed to get us excited about the next season of The Bachelorette, except that it might be just as tragic as Titanic….but what EV.

Kacie Returns

This is just uncomfortable to watch. Kacie comes back and knocks on Ben’s door to get some answers.  Let’s recall that Ben barely said a word as she cried her eyes out at the exit convo before she was taken away in the black limo.  Now this girl has returned for some more of Ben’s blasse bedside manner.

“Wow this is a suprise, “- Ben says. As Kacie enters his room so nervous and shaky she can barely speak, “I’m a hot mess.”

Kacie tells Ben, “I have come here because I feel like when I left i was in such shock I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what happened. You’ve had your heart broken before, I’m sure you’ve wanted answers. I was hoping you’d tell me what happened. I didn’t see that coming at all and it’s hard for me to get that out of my time.”

Wow that is a whole lot of stuff Ben just really doesn’t have time for.

“I think for me, I feel like we are worlds apart in where we come from. Very different backgrounds. In all fairness to you and your family I coudln’t have given you all the things you need from me. You didn’t do antyhing wrong. It’s just that did I see you in the end? No.”  - RAD another rough around the edges dump from Ben.

Kacie is balling, “I do respect my parents. but what makes them happy (me being celibate) doesn’t necessarily make me happy.”

Then Kacie with nothing more to lose begins, “I do love you and I do care about you – I feel like, that if you were to choose Courtney you would get your heart broken.”

Ben would love to hear why.

“I’ve watched her for a while. It seems like she’s in this to win it. She has made comments like ‘if it’s not Ben there are other fish in the sea’..it makes me sick to think you could be hurt again.”

“I’m tring to process all this stuff. ‘ Ben says

Kacie finally leaves where she collapses on her back on the floor outside his hotel room because she is so overcome with her feelings.

The Rose Ceremony

Ben is so confused, “I was getting to a good place with Courtney, but Kacie stirred the pot again.
…which life do I want to be apart of… which life do I want to make part of mine.”

Lindzi gets first rose.

And despite what Kacie said, Ben lets his penis do the picking (as millionaire matchmaker would say) and gives Courtney a rose. (like there was any doubt.)

Ben says more to Nikki on the exit than he did to Kacie including, “I cried a little bit today, I’m not gonna lie.’

Snot is dripping down Nikki’s nose. Why don’t they give these girls tissues??

It’s Bachelor hometown date time.
LINDZI’S HOMETOWN DATE
Lindzi’s hometown date is first. Ben and Lindzi ride horses and have another picnic. (No letter in a bottle this time, thankfully!) Then they gallop to her parents house and Lindzi announces, “This is my boyfriend, Ben!”

Lindzi’s parents have two Jack Russell Terriers. Ben says, “I have a Jack Russell too!” Wow what a coincidence. And that’s just the beginning – we learn that Lindzi’s parents got married in City Hall in San Francisco – where Ben and Lindzi had their first date…what a coinky dink!

After some chit chat, the parents challenge Ben and Linzi to a carriage race around the yard. In the end, the champions are “the old people,” as Lindzi’s dad so fondly called himself.

The punishment for losing this race is that the losing team has to pull the winning team back home to dinner. Dinner and discussion are all very lovely and drama-free. Ben likes them, they like Ben. But it doesn’t matter, because he’s picking “the mean girl.”

KACIE’S HOMETOWN DATE
Next hometown is Kacie B. Ben kicks off this hometown with a trip to Kacie’s High School football field where he, and we, have to sit through a marching band show, all staged so that Kacie could show off her baton-twirling skills. Yep, there she was twirling. Ben pretends to be impressed. Kacie runs to him and mounts him for a big smooch.

They then sit and chat about how this high school was named after Kacie’s grandfather.

I would just like to point out that on all these dates all our bland Ben does is repeat whatever the woman says. He has like nothing to add to any conversation. AND, he is constantly pushing that stupid hair out of his face. He looks so bored all the time. Even when he says things like “that’s great” or “that’s incredible’ – he has this expressionless look on his face.

Ben learns that Kacie’s dad doesn’t drink. (Ben’s business is booze). STRIKE ONE! The more Kacie tells Ben about her parents, the more Ben wants to bag the hometown visit. Ben tells Kacie he won’t kiss her in front of her parents.

Keeping in mind we’re in the bible beltway now, it comes as no shock that Kacie’s parents have very high moral standards and expectations for what is proper behavior for their daughter.

Kacei’s mother emphasizes to Ben that “Integrity , courage, community – those are our values. I have a serious problem with people living together. I would be disappointed if you did that before getting married.” (You can seriously see Ben checking out of this hometown about now. In his head he is like, peace outie, and thinking I’ll never be able to sleep with this chick on the overnight dates, so what’s the point.)

At one point Kacie’s dad advises her to “make every decision prayerfully and carefully.” (Enough SAID!) He then leads the witness (Kacie), “so when we (meaning Kacie and Ben) talk about moving to California, we’re talking about getting our own place not moving in together, right?”

Her dad ends the conversation with Kacie with his final declaration that, “If Ben wants to ask me to marry you, at this point… I would say no.”

Kacie is beyond frustrated with her ultra conservative father at this point. Kacie’s dad is uber protective and he is NOT going to like watching his daughter boink Ben next week on the overnight dates, if she makes it that far, which we have determined earlier on, she will NOT get a rose, no way in conservative hell!

It is clear that Kacie’s parents won’t ever approve of any man to marry her. They want her to become a nun!

(Sorry sister!)

NIKKI’S HOMETOWN DATES

Off to Texas to see Nikki, Ben says, “I’m hoping she shows me some Texas pride today.”

Nikki says, “The last time I brought a guy home I married him.”

First up for this Texas hometown is a trip to the cowboy boot barn shop to outfit this California boy in some proper cowboy gear. He gets cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, a new shirt, the whole enchilada! As they’re shopping, Nikki finds a way to compare buying boots to falling in love, “Finding the right boot is like finding the right partner in life…. You have to find the right fit.” Well, I”ll be damned I’m sure I got that in a fortune cookie at the last hoedown I went to!

Next up is some beers at an OK corale saloon – with their new gear on and some good ole teaxs music going.

It has not gone unnotticed that they are saving the Courtney date for last, fyi.

Ben seems bored….exceptionally bored. Like ‘I just have to get thru all these so I can get to Courtney.’

I never thought there could be a more boring bachelor than Brad Womack, but I was wrong!

Ben loves Texas. But I don’t think he loves Nikki.

Nikki’s family loves Ben. But Ben will not be calling them Ma and Pa anytime soon.

Nikki reveals to Ben that, “After today, I’m in love with you. I can see myself with you. I don’t want anything else. I want you and me….San Francisco. I want that.”

Ben thought bubbles this dribble, “there were moments today I looked over at Nikki and thought, I love this girl. I have great gut feelings about Nikki…about her abiliy to make me happy for all my life.”

COURTNEY’S HOMETOWN DATE

Ben’s Beloved Courtney hometown visit to Arizona begins with some not-so-subtle attempt and pre-emptive damage control for Courtney haters.

“I feel disappointed in myself for treating the girls the way I have,” Courtney confesses. (no, that wasn’t scripted much)

Ben again recounts, “That last day we spent in Belize was a moment of clarity for me. I saw my past, present and future. It would bother me though if I eneded up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way.”

At the beginning of the hometown date, Ben and Courtney join her mom, dad and sister for some lunch. It is obvious at the get-go that they are each wearing something on their ring finger – which we learn later is from the faux wedding, so we know they spliced and diced that whole sequence up.

Ben seems the most alive he has been this entire episode. Like actually awake and present. (so Courtney-whipped).

Courtney has sister talk with her sister and tells her she thinks he’s the best, “having met him I feel like I have been with the wrong people only to appreciate the right person.” Her sister says, “You love him? We love him.”

Courtney’s dad says to Ben, “Marriage is life’s greatest gamble. There is only a 50% chance of #winning. Are you ready to make that bet Ben?”

Ben is like, “Your daughter is so independent, so smart, (and she played with my wee wee in the water!)”

“I’m happy to have hung in there. I’m falling for him. I feel deserving. I feel ready for the next chapter in my life. Ben treats me and makes me feel so special. I’m falling for him. I’ll be ready to say yes if he proposes,” Courtney confesses.

“I think she loves him. So that’s good for me,” her mother says.

“I havent told Ben that I love him yet. i’m scared. I’ve never been with a guy who hasn’t betrayed me. betrayed my trust,” we learn from Courtney.

Courtney tells Ben,”I just want you to know I’m ready. I’m ready for that chapter in my life. I want that with you.”

“Ben is just a breath of fresh air for me.” she says.

Not too far away, next door or something, is this faux wedding setup – chairs, an aisle, the whole deal. Courtney walks Ben over to it.

‘I’m wondering how far we’re gonna take this. Do you have rings too?” Ben asks her. (yet he is not hesitating for a second)
“I do.” – which explains the rings they were wearing at the family visit.

They sit down and write their vows to each other.
They practicaly get married, but it’s faux. Faux rings, faux minister person, faux everything!

Some faux priest/minister/marrying guy appears and Ben and Courtney stand before him and recite their vows. They go like this:

Ben to Courtney – “The first itme I saw you , you took my breath away. You’re incredible. I love how you make me feel when I’m in your prescense. You are strong, kind and beautiful. I want to thank you for believing in me after this incredible journey.”

Courtney to Ben – “Ben, I’m looking for love. Real love. Passion, consuming, can’t live without each other love. When I look at you acorss the room I know that your happiness is the key to mine. I’ll give you my hand, my heart, laugh with you and cry with you for all the days of my life. Every day and every nite. I hope you know I’m one hundred percent ready for marraige and I’m so happy I found you. I want you to know that I’m in love with you.”

Ben says, “Courtney, with this ring, I thee wed.”

Courtney says, “Ben, with this ring, I thee wed.”

Marrying Man says, ‘If this was a real wedding I would pronounce you man and wife, but since it’s not, you can still go ahead and kiss.”

Courtney says, “We are not Mr. and Mrs. Flajnik yet, but it felt could try it on.”

They drive away in a car that reads, “Almost Married.”

(HILARIOUS!)

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Courtney’s like, I’ve already fucked him AND married him……time for you other bitches to go!

Kacie does NOT get a rose at the ceremony and it is all kinds of F-bombs that fly in the limo. Though when she watches this back she is going to be like, what the F*ck did I see in that guy!

Ben walks Kacie out and they sit on a bench. Kacie starts crying and doesn’t understand. Ben SAYS NOTHING. HE is MUTE. He can not think of ONE thing to say to this girl. The man cannot have a conversation! He can’t even fake making a girl not feel bad when he dumps them. It’s like he is asleep.

Meanwhile, in the limo ride back to real life, Kacie is all “What the fuck happened! What the fuck happened!!”

(Here’s a tip Kacie, don’t take any guys you like home to meet the fam!)

Next week, the overnight dates with Lindzi, Nikki and Courtney will be an alpine adventure in Switzerland.

COURTNEY OUT-TAKE and QUOTE OF THE WEEK

(p.s. the other girls don’t get out-takes)

Courtney’s sister outs the skinny dipping tale at the family lunch table. Courtney’s mom and dad kind of smile and tease her, but my favorite Courtney moment is when she waves her finger at her father and says, “Dad you’ve skinny dipped in this pool right here, so don’t go acting like this is your first rodeo!”

Ben and the remaining women jetted off to Belize last night – a beautiful destination for 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date.

The individual dates went to Emily, Lindzi and bitchface.

Kacie, on the group date, was the only one to score a rose before the actual rose ceremony, which made her about the happiest woman on the planet, as a rose last night meant Ben will meet your family.

We endured bitchface whine and cry for most of the show pretty much up until the point when she FINALLY gets a one-on-one date.

Up until then it was all, complaining about how she was done, how she couldn’t take this anymore, how she’s lost her connection with him, how if he doesn’t give me a one-on-one then he clearly doesn’t like me, how she’s been hurt in the past and how this always happens to her. It was quite the pity party.

Oh, but once she gets the last individual date of the nite, bitchface quickly switches gears into cocky-ass mode, uh huh, I got this. “I knew Ben was a smart boy.”

Ok, Ben isn’t smart, he’s just pussy-whipped since the naked swimming encounter.

But before we get to Courtney and Ben’s date, let’s backstep to Emily’s date.

Ben and Emily Date
Emily seemed to be in positive recovery mode with a fairly fun and frolicky date with Ben. They had a bicycle ride. They went out on a boat to catch their lobster dinner. At which Emily says she loves how spontaneous Ben is. REALLY? He’s not spontaneous. You think that you happening upon the guy with a boat lobstering who offers to take you out was an ‘accident.’ You are on a TV show, every move is planned.

It seemed as though Ben and Emily were having a solid day together, and there was a glimmer of her being back in the running towards becoming America’s next top contender for the bachelor’s heart.

Ben and Lindzi Date
Lindzi had a good date with Ben. They flew in the helicopter to a coral reef in the middle of nowhere and Lindzi is horrified to learn they will have to jump out of the aircraft into the water below, plunging into love even deeper….or leaping into love as they each uttered a nauseating number of times!

Okay, so despite her fears, Lindzi jumps with Ben at her side and this binds them closer together. They have a great time, kiss kiss, eat drink. And we’re done. Oh, but it should be noted that Lindzi ennunciating every syllable of the word ‘important’, which she said about 3 times on the date, was driving me koo koo. They also write a message and put it in a bottle, and now I’m like, seriously, this is ridic!

Ben and Courtney Date
On Courtney’s date, they end up at a temple or ruin and climb a flight of stairs after being dropped off in a helicopter. BTW, I think the helicopter had more appearances than Chris Harrison in this episode!

So as soon as they lay down a blanket to snack and drink champagne, Courtney tells Ben how she feels. How she feels disconnected and how hard this is for her. (tear.) Ben actually likes that she is forthright and not a suck-up. He even goes as far as to say one of the things he learned about himself on this journey, where he is leaping a whole lot in faith, is that he likes a girl who is edgy and quirky, or unique as he put it. (Courtney might be quirky and unique, but the adjectives that describe her best are more like the ones used to describe the Grinch, “Stink. Stank. Stunk.”)

Courtney is nothing if not a master of manipulation, and to her credit she now has him bending over backwards to make her feel loved again. Although at dinner, when Courtney talks about the other girls in the house and how she doesn’t get along with any of them, how they are all dumb girls and she’d never be friends with them outside of this. Ben actually looks like he has a little red flag raised – (no, not that kind of a flag!) but an actual red flag, a little bitty one, coming out of his ear. And when Courtney alludes to the fact that she mostly has guy friends… Ben says something classic in VO mode like, I dont want to be with someone nobody else can stand.

During the evening portion of the group date, each of the gals has time alone with Ben.

Kacie lays it on the line the most and pretty much tells Ben she is falling. He gives her the group date rose. And her getting a rose before the ceremony meant we didnt have to watch her cry in anticipation of not getting a rose. (Thank you, Ben)

The date is not yet over though and the girls take this time with Ben as an opportunity to express their disdain, distrust and reservations about bitchface. Ben seems to be listening.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben asks to speak with bitchface alone. The other girls speculate that maybe he has come to his senses. But skinny dipping memories run deep and bitchface DOES get a rose in addition to Nicki (didn’t see that one coming, I have to say!) and Lindzi.

So next week on The Bachelor, Ben will meet the four familes of Nicki, Kacie, Bitchface and Lindzi.  All towards his and their journey to all be single again a short time from now.

-Diva4

Ben and the gals arrive at the Trump Ocean Club in Panama City.

Kacie B gets the first 1 on 1 date. The date card reads: “Kacie B. will our love survive? Pack 3 things.”

“I’d like to see her go home. She (Kacie B) is kind of annoying.” – Courtney says.

Kacie and Ben helicopter to the deserted island of San Blas where they re-enact a scene from Survivor. They each brought 3 luxury items. Kacie brought a corkscrew, a bag of candy and a monkey. Ben brought a machete, a fishing net and matches. Quite the Boyscout Ben is.

Kacie observes that, “Watching Ben cut into a coconut is so hot.”

Ben makes some inappropriate metaphors about deep diving, “He wants to dive in deep.” with Kacie. (really!)

They catch a fish. They cook a fish. They eat a fish with their fingers.

Later in the date, Kacie opens up to Ben about her eating disorder in High School. They don’t discuss much more and they kiss alot. They’re a bit boring together. But then Ben is a bit boring alone.

For the group date, the date card reads: “Let’s get lost.” So we now go from the “Survivor” date to the “Lost” date. oh, it’s clever stuff. LOL

But thankfully, since Courtney is on this date, the show picks up speed and at least gets mildly amusing.

“This is my third group date, honesty, I’m just over it.” – Courtney

Gatun Lake and Monkey Island Sightseeing Cruise from Panama City

Ben pulls up on the river to pick the girls up in a very long, very phallic shaped boat. He is driving at the balls of the boat. The girls comment how watching Ben drive a boat is sooo sexy.

At some point along the ride Courtney exclaims, “I am soooo wet.”

As they float by a whole lot of trees and barren landscape suddenly a bunch of kids appear running on the hills and jumping in the water wearing mini banana hammocks. The girls all are like, oh how cute are they. And Ben acts like this is so spontaneous, oh hey, let’s pull in to land and say hi.

When they make landfall suddenly the entire village comes out of their huts. The women take the ladies and give them these beaded halterish tops to wear. Now when I say tops, I really mean a half top. And by half top I mean it’s really just a large beaded jingly necklace that barely covers the boobies. Most of the bachelorettes dangle this adornment over their bikini suit tops.

But Courtney goes full frontal and removes her bikini top. The other girls are horrified. The underage village boy children can’t stop staring and the older village men are getting hard-ons.

Courtney utters some more Courtneyisms like,

“They are all such prudes. Why be modest, we’re one with nature.”
“These beads are kind of cold.”
“We’re bare-chesting it.”
“I don’t do anything half ass.”

Ben, meanwhile has been whisked off by the men of the village and he makes his grand entrance in a loin cloth. Ben is VERY happy to see Courtney and her state of undress.

“I appreciated that in more than one way.” – Ben says. (Shocker, but isn’t that just so RAD Ben?)

Next on the day camp agenda is body painting. Courtney takes this opportunity to brand Ben with B + C = Heart with arrow. She paints this on his back and this pisses off all the other girls some more.

“I’m makin moves and it’s just getting started. I’ve got moves they’ve never seen.” – Courtney threatens.

Courtney has alone time with Ben later on the date. “I’m being stolen away,” she says.

Panama City Private Arrival Transfer

Then one of the other girls gets her alone time with Ben but Courtney, who will not be ignored, wanders back to the private alone time area and climbs into the wading pool behind where Ben and girl are talking.

“I feel like the girls here are slow moving and not sexual and they’re making it easy on me.” -Courtney

Ben can barely pay attention to what the other girl is saying because he can’t take his eyes off of Courtney.

After Emily has alone time with Ben and is feeling good about her relationship with him, she makes a grand gesture of issuing a heartfelt apology to Courtney in front of the other girls. But bitchface Courtney does not accept apologies. Scar her once and that wound is open for life. I seriously expected Emily to throw the drink she was holding in Courtney’s face but she didn’t. Emily showed some class and dignity in the face of a whole lot of bitten bitterness from Court.

Much to Courtney’s disappointment, Lindzi gets the rose on group date.

“I went out of my way to make him feel special on this date. I feel like I would deserve some kind of reward.” – Courtney

We then get a small window into Courtney’s psyche with men. “I’ve been consistently disappointed in men.” is the voiceover as she sits waiting/hoping for Ben to come to her room later. But Ben never shows. (oooo dooo dooo dooo)

Blakely and Rachel get the 2 on 1 Salsa date with Ben. Blakey is super excited about it. Rachel, of realism, however understands the consequences.

Date card threatens, “2 girls. 1 rose. 1 stays. 1 goes.”

The girls and Ben take a salsa dancing lesson. Blakely pretty much fills up Ben’s dance card to the point where Rachel can’t cut in. Rachel doesn’t know why Blakely is using her sexuality on a salsa date. Um, Rachel may be smart but it’s a date! HELLOOO, and it’s Salsa! Be sexy or go home! Do we really need to explain that to her. And does she not watch Dancing with The Stars!

But while Blakely appears to have won round one, dinner at Clementina’s soon proves to be her demise. Blakely shows her hand of all kinds of crazy when she takes a notebook with her to have a conversation with Ben alone.

We learn that it is a scrapbook she has made of what it would be like to pack up and move to San Francisco to be with Ben. (Ben’s face quickly goes blank and you can see his brain dragging her to the trash bin.)

Ben’s alone time with Rachel is much more normal and non-obsessive but not sure how much of a connection I see. They kiss but it seems sort of ho-hum.

Rachel gets the rose. Jamie goes home. A glimpse of a stray cat accents her departure.

Chris Harrison appears, which is never good, and pulls out Kacey S. to talk. Chris says that it has come to their attention by more than one source that Kacey is in love with another guy who she apparently has been living with up until she came to be on the show. Kacey pretty much unravels from there as she goes into a whole thing about loving some guy who will never marry her and that’s why she came on the show because all she wants more than anything is to be married. Honestly, I could barely watch this. Clearly she has unresolved issues with another man and is far from being able to move on into any relationship. I felt like I was watching her come apart at the seams and you could tell by how gentle Chris was being with her that she was clearly very fragile.

Chris walks her to Bens room to explain this mess to Ben. Ben has shown himself over the weeks to be sort of a straight-shooter and not exactly a package it in a bow kind of guy in regards to how he dismisses the women when the time comes to that. Ben was equally a bit rough with Kacey. Ben is mostly irritated that she didn’t fess up earlier because other girls who were sent home and not mentally married could have been here in her place. I’d sympathize with Ben on this except that this series has a pretty bad track record so I’m not sure that would have changed much in the end. (and by that I mean, everyone will be single or still looking for love.)

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony Courtney declares, “I’m feeling pretty awesome. I have a prediction for tonight. Either Emily or Jamie will go home and I’m okay with that.”

And her prediction soon seems to be grounded in fact as Jamie has some alone time with Ben in what can only be called a cringing case of desperation at love. Jamie, wearing a tight, short red dress decides to climb on top of Ben and straddle him. Not sure what made her think this was a good idea. But she does it with a bit of a struggle and a bit of a shock to Ben. After situating herself with what I swore was the sound of her dress tearing, she kisses him. But this is the most unromantic, forced kiss ever!

She finally realizes that this position is uncomfortable and awkward to say the least and she dismounts Ben and sits next to him to try the kissing thing again. Only this time with a whole lot of instructions and rules about how they’re going to kiss.

“Open your mouth… Close your mouth… Turn to the right… No turn to the left… With tongue….Without tongue….”

(wow, this is seriously like the WORST attempt at an intimate moment as you can get! Botched up big time! It was hard not to squeal and cringe watching this all go down.)

When Jamie goes back to the girls she tells them, “I feel like he’s done with me.”

Well after that ridiculousness, wouldn’t you be done with you!

And at the rose ceremony, Ben affirms that he is, in fact, done with the kissing bandit from hell and sends Jaime on her way.

- Diva 4

Kim and Khloe have both landed extra jobs.

As fans will recall, on the first season of “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami,” Khloe got a gig as a DJ on a late nite radio show called ‘Khloe After Dark.’ It was a cheeky show about relationships and stuff.

Now that the Kardahian-Odoms have relocated to Dallas, Texas so Lamar can play for the Dallas Mavericks, Khloe has accepted a new radio gig – this one doesn’t sound quite so sassy though. Khloe’s new show will be called, “The Mix Up with Khloe” and will begin airing January 30.

I say they could have thrown around a few more title ideas before settling on this lame one. We know Khloe’s show will be fun, but this title sucks.

Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian has taken a non-reality acting gig. Kim will be playing a recurring role on “Drop Dead Diva,” which will be premiering this summer.

See, this is why it is so difficult to keep up with the Kardashians!

Emily Maynard is the Next Bachelorette. Shocking? No. Dissappointing? Yes.

After rumors circulating furiously that Emily would be making a comeback as the next bachelorette, ABC has officially made the announement today on Good Morning America. Host Chris Harrison said, “I think she’s America’s sweetheart and I think it will be a home run.”

Emily Maynard was proposed to by Brad Womack in South Africa on The Bachelor Brad Take 2 season. It was one of the most heartfelt proposals in Bachelor history. Brad and Emily were madly in love but by the time After The Final Rose aired it was clear that the rose was covered in thorns and wilted beyond repair.

Emily gained a huge following as one of the most favorited of Brad’s season. The story of her late race-car driving boyfriend, Ricki Hendrick, dying in a plane crash leaving her ‘with child’ was as heart-wrenching as a back-story can get. The 25 year old southern girl practically received Mother Theresa status from the other women in the house. So ABC is giving Emily another shot at love.

I was a big Emily fan myself, but not sure I’m looking forward to her being the next Bachelorette. I pretty much had my fill of hearing about her daughter Ricki and how she has to do what’s best for her and Ricki and about how Ricki is the most important thing in her life.

This is one of those occasions when I like to blend my reality TV worlds into one and I would like to propose Kim Kardashian be the next Bachelorette!

Seriously, the girl clearly doesn’t do a great job of picking for herself, she’s single, so let’s help her out. It wouldn’t take much for her to improve on her last score – a 73 day marriage is not a high bar to set, even for The Bachelor/Bachelorette. It’s practically fail-proof!

Kim is far more entertaining than Emily. She’s a better dresser than Emily. Heck she’s probably even a better dancer than Emily! And just think about how fun the home town dates would be! Scott, Rob and Lamar could grill the guys over the coals.

I have already confessed that I’m a bit bored with Ben this season. Emily might bore me even more.

Although if douchie Bentley from Ashley’s season shows up as one of Emily’s suitors, this could get interesting! Bentley was verbally bummed that Ashely was not Emily when he appeared on the show. And we watched this dog shit all over Ashley, quickly earning him most loathed contestant ever status. A little angel and the devil could make for good television I say.

Are you happy with their choice of Emily for the next Bachelorette?

Tonight’s Bachelor took place in Park City, Utah. “The dates I planned this week are outdoorsy and awesome.” said Ben.

Chris announces there is no time to sit and talk about the weather and that the gals need to use their time wisely.

From the get-go Kacie B wont stop crying. She has gotten super annoying, super quick.

Rachel gets the first date and gets to go spend the day rowing a canoe on the lake with Ben. Ben likes these down-to-earth dates. Uou can get to know each other more.

Millions of bugs seem to swarm around them as they make out in the canoe. Ben pours champagne. The sun is so bright they can barely see each other without squinting. The kiss is okay, but they have nothing to say to each other after that. I’m yawning.

Night falls and Ben is confused about how he feels for her. She won’t open up but Ben is not ready to give up. At dinner, Rachel admits that being open is not her strength and communication is difficult for her. Ben gives her the rose hoping she will talk more next time. Then they roast marshmellows on a stick over a campfire and kiss some more.

Back at the ranch, the group date card arrives declaring, “Let’s see if you’re a great catch.”

Courtney is one of the 8 women on the group date, and who doesn’t want more Courtney on The Bachelor. She declares, “When I’m around Ben I blossom.”

Ben rides into the group date on a horse and we get all kinds of comments from the girls about how rugged and Chaps like he looks. They all get on their own horses and ride across the Utah plains. I suddenly feel like I am watching “City Slickers” or “Brokeback Mountain.”

Ben is so excited, “I have a great day planned. It’s gonna be rad!”

Everyone gets outfitted in fly fishing gear. “We have to catch our lunch,” Ben tells them.

Ben plays teacher. Kacie whines some more. (enuf!)

O wise one, Courtney, says, “It’s not about catching the trout. It’s about catching Ben. It’s all about knowing when to make your move and I don’t see many moves being made. These other girls don’t have their eye on the prize.”

Too bad for them, because Courtney has her eye on the target and she has locked and loaded.

“I’m gonna turn this group date into a one-on-one date,” she says.

Smitten Ben is like “ohhhh Courtney is wonderful, blah blah blah”

We learn deep things about Ben during his chit chat with Courtney like, “Mustard’s my favorite condiment.” Wow so glad I know that Ben! Now I’m really falling for you!

Courtney catches a fish. She is the only one to catch a fish. Ben is impressed. So is Courtney.

During the second half of the date, Nicki who is drunk and this is her 3rd group date makes a move for some alone time. Nikki genuinely thanks him for the group dates. Ben says she thrives in the group dates.

Ben lost a friend two days before the bachelor started. We find this out because Nikki, in an attempt to create a ‘moment’, tells him that her boss passed away the nite before she came here. Their death stories bond them and their lips. But their lips are parted thanks to another drunk girl, Samantha.

Samantha interrupts and asks Ben if he feels anything. She slurs her words and makes no sense at all. Ben does not beat around any bushes with this one. He tells her “The group dates you’ve been on, you’ve been highly emotional. I don’t know if you’re even here for me because in your actions i dont see it. That’s why you continue to be on group dates. It’s hard for me to justify giving you a one on one. For what I’ve seen up to this point, I don’t see this going much further. I’m thinking we should probably end this. Like right now.”

WAY HARSH!! Like she just got fired from a job. (tears…hers, and bye-bye).

Ben and Kacie have alone time and kiss. and kiss. and kiss some more. Ben admits, “I’m in trouble with Kacie B. My relationship with her is growing faster than most.” “I might end up with her, I dont know.”

Ben takes Courtney away by the fire and they cuddle and kiss. Seeing Courtney struggle is difficult for ben. (oyyyy.) and there goes the rose on the group date — to Courtney. #winning. Seriously the girl uses the word #winning in conversation!!! Courtney accepts the rose… as if! #tigerblood.

This pisses Kacie B. off and she’s not the only one.

Jennifer receives the last one on one date. “Let’s pick our love song.”

Ben reminds us at the onset of their date, as if we have forgotten Bachelor mantra, “Relationships are all about trust. It’s about overcoming your fears”

Suddenly in the middle of nowhere Utah is a crator and guess what, they are going to repell down it into a pool of water on their date…just a good 300 feet down or so. “I don’t do this in Oklahoma!” Jennifer says – ah,no shit!

Jen is a good sport about going down a black hole hanging by a string.

On their way down, again with Ben and the “relationships are all about trust.” (is this groundhog day!)

Once they jump in water – it’s amazing. “It’s just me and him,” Jen says. (and a camera and paramedics crew I’m hoping!! )

The evening portion of the date involves lightning and then a heavy rain storm and they get soaked.

Jennifer gets the rose, “The more time I spend with Jennifer, the more I like her.”

Now for the awkward part of the date, again in the middle of nowhere Utah suddenly there is a private concert for Ben and Jen – only 300 other people showed up. LOL

The crowd clears a path and they walk thru to the front and dude sings to them and they dance and kiss with everyone watching. EWWWW. so awkward!!!!

Let it be said, Ben is boring me. Just fyi.

At the rose ceremony, Emily decides she has to be the one to tell Ben about what a bitch Courtney is. Rule #23 of reality TV dating – don’t be the one to tattle on someone else. Your ass WILL end up in the limo ride home!

Ben sort of scolds her, his second ‘face slap’ of the night.

Meanwhile Casey tells Emily, “Courtney is the most genuine person here.”
Then Casey tells Courtney that Emily threw her under the bus.

And then the ‘most genuine person in the house’ says about Emily, “I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her, or shave her eyebrows while she’s sleeping.”

In the end, Emily does get a rose and Monica goes home. Monica, who?

Next week they’re headed to Puerto Rico.