It’s Bachelor hometown date time.
LINDZI’S HOMETOWN DATE
Lindzi’s hometown date is first. Ben and Lindzi ride horses and have another picnic. (No letter in a bottle this time, thankfully!) Then they gallop to her parents house and Lindzi announces, “This is my boyfriend, Ben!”
Lindzi’s parents have two Jack Russell Terriers. Ben says, “I have a Jack Russell too!” Wow what a coincidence. And that’s just the beginning – we learn that Lindzi’s parents got married in City Hall in San Francisco – where Ben and Lindzi had their first date…what a coinky dink!
After some chit chat, the parents challenge Ben and Linzi to a carriage race around the yard. In the end, the champions are “the old people,” as Lindzi’s dad so fondly called himself.
The punishment for losing this race is that the losing team has to pull the winning team back home to dinner. Dinner and discussion are all very lovely and drama-free. Ben likes them, they like Ben. But it doesn’t matter, because he’s picking “the mean girl.”
KACIE’S HOMETOWN DATE
Next hometown is Kacie B. Ben kicks off this hometown with a trip to Kacie’s High School football field where he, and we, have to sit through a marching band show, all staged so that Kacie could show off her baton-twirling skills. Yep, there she was twirling. Ben pretends to be impressed. Kacie runs to him and mounts him for a big smooch.
They then sit and chat about how this high school was named after Kacie’s grandfather.
I would just like to point out that on all these dates all our bland Ben does is repeat whatever the woman says. He has like nothing to add to any conversation. AND, he is constantly pushing that stupid hair out of his face. He looks so bored all the time. Even when he says things like “that’s great” or “that’s incredible’ – he has this expressionless look on his face.
Ben learns that Kacie’s dad doesn’t drink. (Ben’s business is booze). STRIKE ONE! The more Kacie tells Ben about her parents, the more Ben wants to bag the hometown visit. Ben tells Kacie he won’t kiss her in front of her parents.
Keeping in mind we’re in the bible beltway now, it comes as no shock that Kacie’s parents have very high moral standards and expectations for what is proper behavior for their daughter.
Kacei’s mother emphasizes to Ben that “Integrity , courage, community – those are our values. I have a serious problem with people living together. I would be disappointed if you did that before getting married.” (You can seriously see Ben checking out of this hometown about now. In his head he is like, peace outie, and thinking I’ll never be able to sleep with this chick on the overnight dates, so what’s the point.)
At one point Kacie’s dad advises her to “make every decision prayerfully and carefully.” (Enough SAID!) He then leads the witness (Kacie), “so when we (meaning Kacie and Ben) talk about moving to California, we’re talking about getting our own place not moving in together, right?”
Her dad ends the conversation with Kacie with his final declaration that, “If Ben wants to ask me to marry you, at this point… I would say no.”
Kacie is beyond frustrated with her ultra conservative father at this point. Kacie’s dad is uber protective and he is NOT going to like watching his daughter boink Ben next week on the overnight dates, if she makes it that far, which we have determined earlier on, she will NOT get a rose, no way in conservative hell!
It is clear that Kacie’s parents won’t ever approve of any man to marry her. They want her to become a nun!
NIKKI’S HOMETOWN DATES
Off to Texas to see Nikki, Ben says, “I’m hoping she shows me some Texas pride today.”
Nikki says, “The last time I brought a guy home I married him.”
First up for this Texas hometown is a trip to the cowboy boot barn shop to outfit this California boy in some proper cowboy gear. He gets cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, a new shirt, the whole enchilada! As they’re shopping, Nikki finds a way to compare buying boots to falling in love, “Finding the right boot is like finding the right partner in life…. You have to find the right fit.” Well, I”ll be damned I’m sure I got that in a fortune cookie at the last hoedown I went to!
Next up is some beers at an OK corale saloon – with their new gear on and some good ole teaxs music going.
It has not gone unnotticed that they are saving the Courtney date for last, fyi.
Ben seems bored….exceptionally bored. Like ‘I just have to get thru all these so I can get to Courtney.’
I never thought there could be a more boring bachelor than Brad Womack, but I was wrong!
Ben loves Texas. But I don’t think he loves Nikki.
Nikki’s family loves Ben. But Ben will not be calling them Ma and Pa anytime soon.
Nikki reveals to Ben that, “After today, I’m in love with you. I can see myself with you. I don’t want anything else. I want you and me….San Francisco. I want that.”
Ben thought bubbles this dribble, “there were moments today I looked over at Nikki and thought, I love this girl. I have great gut feelings about Nikki…about her abiliy to make me happy for all my life.”
COURTNEY’S HOMETOWN DATE
Ben’s Beloved Courtney hometown visit to Arizona begins with some not-so-subtle attempt and pre-emptive damage control for Courtney haters.
“I feel disappointed in myself for treating the girls the way I have,” Courtney confesses. (no, that wasn’t scripted much)
Ben again recounts, “That last day we spent in Belize was a moment of clarity for me. I saw my past, present and future. It would bother me though if I eneded up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way.”
At the beginning of the hometown date, Ben and Courtney join her mom, dad and sister for some lunch. It is obvious at the get-go that they are each wearing something on their ring finger – which we learn later is from the faux wedding, so we know they spliced and diced that whole sequence up.
Ben seems the most alive he has been this entire episode. Like actually awake and present. (so Courtney-whipped).
Courtney has sister talk with her sister and tells her she thinks he’s the best, “having met him I feel like I have been with the wrong people only to appreciate the right person.” Her sister says, “You love him? We love him.”
Courtney’s dad says to Ben, “Marriage is life’s greatest gamble. There is only a 50% chance of #winning. Are you ready to make that bet Ben?”
Ben is like, “Your daughter is so independent, so smart, (and she played with my wee wee in the water!)”
“I’m happy to have hung in there. I’m falling for him. I feel deserving. I feel ready for the next chapter in my life. Ben treats me and makes me feel so special. I’m falling for him. I’ll be ready to say yes if he proposes,” Courtney confesses.
“I think she loves him. So that’s good for me,” her mother says.
“I havent told Ben that I love him yet. i’m scared. I’ve never been with a guy who hasn’t betrayed me. betrayed my trust,” we learn from Courtney.
Courtney tells Ben,”I just want you to know I’m ready. I’m ready for that chapter in my life. I want that with you.”
“Ben is just a breath of fresh air for me.” she says.
Not too far away, next door or something, is this faux wedding setup – chairs, an aisle, the whole deal. Courtney walks Ben over to it.
‘I’m wondering how far we’re gonna take this. Do you have rings too?” Ben asks her. (yet he is not hesitating for a second)
“I do.” – which explains the rings they were wearing at the family visit.
They sit down and write their vows to each other.
They practicaly get married, but it’s faux. Faux rings, faux minister person, faux everything!
Some faux priest/minister/marrying guy appears and Ben and Courtney stand before him and recite their vows. They go like this:
Ben to Courtney – “The first itme I saw you , you took my breath away. You’re incredible. I love how you make me feel when I’m in your prescense. You are strong, kind and beautiful. I want to thank you for believing in me after this incredible journey.”
Courtney to Ben – “Ben, I’m looking for love. Real love. Passion, consuming, can’t live without each other love. When I look at you acorss the room I know that your happiness is the key to mine. I’ll give you my hand, my heart, laugh with you and cry with you for all the days of my life. Every day and every nite. I hope you know I’m one hundred percent ready for marraige and I’m so happy I found you. I want you to know that I’m in love with you.”
Ben says, “Courtney, with this ring, I thee wed.”
Courtney says, “Ben, with this ring, I thee wed.”
Marrying Man says, ‘If this was a real wedding I would pronounce you man and wife, but since it’s not, you can still go ahead and kiss.”
Courtney says, “We are not Mr. and Mrs. Flajnik yet, but it felt could try it on.”
They drive away in a car that reads, “Almost Married.”
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Courtney’s like, I’ve already fucked him AND married him……time for you other bitches to go!
Kacie does NOT get a rose at the ceremony and it is all kinds of F-bombs that fly in the limo. Though when she watches this back she is going to be like, what the F*ck did I see in that guy!
Ben walks Kacie out and they sit on a bench. Kacie starts crying and doesn’t understand. Ben SAYS NOTHING. HE is MUTE. He can not think of ONE thing to say to this girl. The man cannot have a conversation! He can’t even fake making a girl not feel bad when he dumps them. It’s like he is asleep.
Meanwhile, in the limo ride back to real life, Kacie is all “What the fuck happened! What the fuck happened!!”
(Here’s a tip Kacie, don’t take any guys you like home to meet the fam!)
Next week, the overnight dates with Lindzi, Nikki and Courtney will be an alpine adventure in Switzerland.
COURTNEY OUT-TAKE and QUOTE OF THE WEEK
(p.s. the other girls don’t get out-takes)
Courtney’s sister outs the skinny dipping tale at the family lunch table. Courtney’s mom and dad kind of smile and tease her, but my favorite Courtney moment is when she waves her finger at her father and says, “Dad you’ve skinny dipped in this pool right here, so don’t go acting like this is your first rodeo!”