Ok. Ok. So I got it wrong and my apologies to Kiptyn for presuming he was the bachelor who couldn’t get it up. My bad. We left Spain last week and arrive in Maui, Hawaii tonite for Jillian‘s three romantic overnight dates with Surferboy Kiptyn, Adorable Reid and Ed-rectile Dysfunction (I mean Ed).
So lets get started. This weeks dates are fairly typical, nothing too crazy now that One-note-wonder-Wes is gone and mildly titillating. First up, Kiptyn and Jillian go on a rope walking adventure that leads them to overuse the term “leap of faith” to an annoying degree of metaphoric proportions. The most poignant part of the date is when Kiptyn had to ‘coach’ Jillian to standing upright atop an eight foot wood beam where they then had to take a “leap of faith” and jump to a rod that was clearly too far away for Jillian to grasp. Kiptyn promises Jillian a big kiss if she makes it. And when she doesn’t he assures her she’ ll get the kiss anyway. Kiptyn is impressed by her fearlessness. And Jillian is impressed by Kiptyn‘s “get through this together” manittude. At dinner when the date card comes, Jillian and Kiptyn do forgo their individual rooms to spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.
Next up Too-Cute-for-Words Reid. Yummy is all I have to say. Reid and JIllian board a helicopter for a Maui Helicopter Tour. With all the breathtaking scenery of Maui below them Reid and Jillian can’t stop gazing into each other’s eyes. When the pilot announces that he’s also an ordained minister and suggests they could tie the knot, Reid considers it, then unconsiders it. LOL. They land and picnic off a cliff where they snack on what looks like beet chips. Jillian tries her best to get Reid to verbally express his emotions and feelings and though she can’t stop smiling or kissing him, “I love you this much (with outreached hands)” isn’t entirely satisfying as an answer.
At Jillian and Reid’s romantic dinner date, Jilian wears a very pretty strapless red dress, or Reid Dress (cause when you wear the Reid dress you have to re-dress by the end of the date. ) Reid reads the date card and is happy when it results in a different turn of events than in Spain. Reid and Jilian make their way to the fantasy suite where they climb into a bath of roses and apparently an entire jar of Mr. Bubbles. With their champagne glasses not far behind they make-out and toast amidst the foamy suds. (fade to black)
With two dates down, it is now abundantly clear that last man standing must be the one who can’t perform. Survey says: Yes. But first, Ed and Jillian lounge around on a boat, then swim and jump off a cliff. It cannot go unmentioned that Ed‘s green and white mankini trunks are a stones throw away from the Richard’s Simmons rack at Kohls. Jillian, though, is sporting a cute
bikini. In fact, as Ed demonstrates beyond the swimsuit, fashion is not his forte. But Jillian thinks he’s hot and adorable so who really cares. She is captivated by boring man. Ed announces a surprise to Jillian, Ed has flown his parents to Maui to meet her. Jillian lights up when he tells her this. “He knows what’s important to me and will do whatever it takes to make me happy.” Jillian meets Ed‘s parents and has a heart-to-heart with each of them. We don’t hear any embarrassing stories. Although earlier in the show, Ed tells Jilian that his parents call him Richie to distinguish him from his dad. Although at first Ed‘s dad is panicked that he will loose his job, both Eds parents seem totally onboard with Ed and Jilli getting engaged if that’s what makes them happy in the end.
There is no dinner date with Ed. But the date card still comes. And they accept. The go to the fantasy suite where the bed is coated in rose petals.
“The Deluxe Bed of Roses Kit – Sets The Mood For Love”
Jillian excuses herself to go to the bathroom and comes out with what looks like an oversize white sweater with a plunging v-neck that barely covers her nipples. Ed comments how she walked out of the bathroom in the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. (you don’t get out much do you, Ed.) Jillian takes Ed‘s shirt off and breaks out the massage oil. We see her rub it on him and then Ed rubs it up and down Jillians’ legs. It’s like a bad scene from a soap opera. In what Jillian is hoping will lead to hot, mad sex, instead turns into a case of cold, deep sleep. Ed can’t perform. They are zonked. And now Jillian fears her one true love might not be able to give her the hot dog she’s dreamed about all these years. Ed‘s hot dog is topless, bunless and still in the freezer section.
The private dates were held at
The Westin Maui
and
Sheraton Maui Hotel
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison shows Jillian the “private” video messages the guys have left just for her. Of all three guys, Ed-rectile Dysfunction is the only one to come out and profess his love to her and declare he wants to propose.
Jillian goes to the rose ceremony, but asks Ed if she can speak to him. They go off and discuss the events (or non-events) of the past evening and Ed assures her that she should trust him and that his pecker has seen perkier days. Ok, he didn’t say that, but sort of implied it.
Jillian steps out to give her roses and shockingly eliminates Reid, to the gasp of me and everyone else I know who is in love with him.
Next week is the Men Tell All episode, where interestingly enough, Reid is not mentioned. Maybe it’s because Reid comes back and makes a shocking proposal to Jillian in the finale. Or is it?
The Bachelorette Season Finale is July 27. Be there. We will.
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